All right, it’s time we got a no-bullshit rating system for beers. I read a lot of TLDR beer reviews.I’m tired of reading a damn novel just to find out if I should try it or not.
So my beer rating system will be super simple. It’s based on a 7-point system. Each point is called a “Chuck” for Charles Barkley. If a beer meets all 7 points criteria, it gets a “This drinks got Stremph” rating. The points are simple. It’s either is good or gross. Here are the points:
- Malt: Is it weird and sweet or sour, or is it malty and delicious?
- Hops: Do they taste disgusting and like earwax or a pine tree or do they really tie it together?
- Carbonation: Nice crisp head for lighter beers… smooth calm head for darker beers. Too much, too little, no points.
- ABV: session beers need to be low, heavy beers should be high. none should taste like booze unless they have over 7%.
- Price: Is it reasonable for the taste, or is it overpriced bullshit like stuff from Weihenstephaner or Confluence.
- Flaws: If there are any flaws like weird aftertastes, contamination, flatness, cardboard, apple, or vinegar aftertastes, etc.
- Farts and other cool side-effects: Yup, this is what you think it is.
Here’s how the scoring comes out:
- This is bullshit.
- Dump it even if it’s free.
- Dump it when no one is looking.
- It’s not that great, but I would drink it if it was given to me.
- This is good. I might buy some.
- I need some more of this shit.
- This drink’s got stremph!